Whenever I get asked about my plans after college, I answer vaguely.
"Travel." "Rest." "Take a vacation."
And then what? Sure, I’m not graduating for another three years, but time flies before you know it.
I’m worried because all my life I’ve had these big dreams but I never seemed to be able to live up to them. Take for example Stanford. From the time I visited Stanford when I was seven to junior year in high school, I thought I was going to Stanford. The thought of studying in the country for college was laughable then. My fallback plan was Tokyo University. I got into neither. Mostly because I didn’t work for it. And I didn’t bother applying because of that. When I took my SATs, they weren’t high enough to get me into Ivy League schools.
But I never stopped dreaming. I’d set these high standards for myself and expect things to go my way without having to exert pressure and effort on myself. I fail to meet these standards and I take it hard.
"I’m never good enough." "I can’t do anything right."
I know I should probably try more. I’ve never really given my 100% in school. I slack off for no reason. And I can’t help it.
I need to try to improve and be a better student and a better person. If I do, maybe things will work out for me. Maybe I’ll get good grades and get accepted into big schools for a post-grad. And I’ll finally be able to reach my goals.
But I think that everything I said was a bunch of crap. I don’t think I can improve, I don’t think I can do anything. I’m a liability to the human population.
I need to figure out what to do after college. I want to study, I wanna travel, I wanna go into business. All that, plus the whole taking over the business, which I still don’t know if I can do.
I know my parents are relying on me to manage the school in the future, but these past few weeks I’ve been observing them making transactions and dealing with people, and I just don’t see myself being able to do that. Not even in five years. And that worries me. Plus, I don’t exactly like kids.
I’ve always said I wanted to develop food products and start up a company, but now I don’t see it happening because I am absolute shite in school. I say crap about wanting to make the world a better place but I don’t even have a vision.
Now I’m carsick from typing in traffic.
Long story short, I just want to have my life figured out before it’s too late.